Durex Funderwear Allows You To Touch Your Partner Remotely

Hi ya! You're timing is exquisite! Coffee's perky and the VTs are even more delectable than usual today do help yourself. Y'know, since I returned to the frozen north, I've rediscovered, among other things, fleece-lined blue jeans and long johns. Yeah, I know but winter's cold here and my tropical body is going to take a couple years or more to adjust to it, already. But, speaking of odd underwear (and remember the hugging jackets the Japanese have come out with?), here's a novel idea!

Durex has developed a new kind of underwear – indeed, Funderwear – that allows you to touch your partner remotely. It’s not just a scene from terrible Gerard Butler Katherine Heigl movies anymore.

The difference between Funderwear and your average pair of vibrating knickers is that the specially created bra and underpants have been fitted with miniature actuators to produce something more like the sensation of touch. There are five of these actuators, the technology used to make mobile phones vibrate, in each cup of the bra, and six more in the pants, with corresponding buttons on the smartphone app. Basically, you touch your partner by touching buttons on your phone. 

People this might be a great idea for:

1) People who are in long distance relationships. I mean, it seems sad, and as though it would remind you that you are not actually touching your partner, but it would probably beat skype sex. Or whatever else people are doing now.

2) People who love doing absolutely everything by their smartphones. You know who you are. You people who magically use them to procure food rather than just calling delivery places like the rest of the world. You are special people.

3) The man who wrote that Katherine Heigl/Gerard Butler movie where she wore vibrating remote controlled underwear to a dinner party. I don’t know what that guy is into, but it feels like a pretty safe bet to say that this would be up his alley (so to speak).

Scary stuff, eh? Imagine being on the subway on your way to work...or in the midst of making a high-powered sales presentation...or driving your car at the speed limit when your pants, not your phone, start to ring, vibrate or whatever. I mean the police are all over people using cell phone unless they are 'hands free'. What are they going to do...pull people over?

"May I see your license and registration, please?"
"Was I doing something wrong, officer?"
"You were gyrating about in the driver's seat. Are you wearing vibrating underwear?"
"Ah, well...um...could be, but you see, they were a present from my _____ (you fill in the name)..."
"I'm going to let you off with a warning this time on one condition...
What's that, officer?" 
"You have to tell me where I can get some. They'd be great on long stake-outs!"

See ya, eh!

Bob